Using the Apps
Making Best Use of the iSplitLite™ and iSplit Divorce ™
Divorce is a terrible process, right? No one thinks it’s going to happen…even divorce lawyers (yes, there’s research to support that: part of the “Optimism Bias”).
On these pages, I would like to offer you some thoughts about how to manage the divorce process — both the emotional and the legal — in a way that might be more humane and compassionate. Let’s first take a look at the mechanical things that we can address and, then, let’s look at some negotiating ideas.
The three main activities of dissolving a marriage — how we share custody of the children, how we “support” each other, and how we split up our “stuff” — is, at best, a troubling, painful process.
iSplitLite™ and iSplit Divorce™ work to help at one of these three main activities: splitting up stuff. By creating multiple configurations — what happens if you take the car and the house? — the App helps the parties explore possibilities in real-time. No spreadsheets. No abstractions.
The beauty of the iSplit™ apps, I think, is that it allows you to see concrete stuff right there on the screen: move pieces of the stuff — boats, rings, appliances — around and see what happens. Save it as a configuration (Standard, Premier and Pro versions) and you can go back to it.
If I were to give some advice — from years of consulting, therapy, etc. — I’d say this: try out a few scenarios and, then, let it sit. Let it percolate over the course of a few weeks or so. Come back to the App and try a new configuration and see how that feels. Leave it alone for a couple of days (hours?) and, again, come back to it.
The metaphor of “peeling the onion” is quite apt: there are emotional and psychological layers that need to be addressed as you go through the process. It might be best to assume that arriving at any settlement could be a several month process. (Some couples drag it out into years!)
How to negotiate? This might sound dumb but…first try identifying the things that you agree on. Yes, instead of the “sticky” stuff — the house, the kids, the cars — focus on the stuff that you can agree on.
In my case, there were a bunch of things I didn’t care about: the living-room or bedroom furniture (except for my dresser); the kitchen utensils (with the exception of my favorite chef’s knife); the bed.
So, there was never, really, any discussion about those items: those decisions or initial inclinations formed the basis for the agreements of what to do with the rest of the stuff.
Once two parties, that might even be adversaries, are able to create some “common ground,” there’s a psychological barrier that gets overcome. Emotional momentum starts to build that feels, internally, something akin to: “Hey, we can do this!” Or, “Hey, I can do this.”
iSplitLite™ and iSplit Divorce™ are communications and decision-making tools. They are not a blunt instrument but they are not precision machines, either. You’re dealing with emotions and practical issues: this is a tough spot for humans. If you can recognize that and hold it, you’ll be further ahead. Compassion, for yourself and for others, is always a positive step.
How to communicate with each other?